Raccoons: The Big Bug Scourge of the Skies

I am sick. Sick to death of how we as a society continually turn a blind eye to the real problems facing our great nation. Naturally, I speak of raccoons. Unfortunately, our nation’s broken school system fails completely at teaching adequate raccoon awareness thanks to uptight PTA committees that fear potential controversy. If you’re one of the unfortunate folks who don’t even know to keep a raccoon preparedness kit in every room of your house, then read on, and prepare to be enlightened.

Some basic facts: You are probably larger than a raccoon, but they will still best you in combat because they are devious cheats. Conventional attacks mean nothing to raccoons. If you punch a raccoon in the face, it will just laugh at you, and then probably go rape your mom. NEVER ATTACK A RACCOON WITH A BLADE. They bleed acid, like in that movie “Raccoon” and its thrilling James Cameron directed sequel, “Raccoons.” While it’s completely unadvisable to initiate violent conflict with a raccoon without backup from your posse of bros, you must always exercise your Raccoon Risk Reduction Responsibilities:

First: If you see a pregnant raccoon, you must do everything in your power to abort the birth. If you’re unfamiliar with standard raccoon abortion protocol, you can pick up a kit at most Walgreen’s locations that includes a hammer, a corkscrew, and a plastic baggie for stem cell containment.

Second: Friends don’t let friends let raccoons drive cars. While it looks like they could probably steer pretty well because they have those grabby little hands, they lack both the “cognitive capacity” and the “long enough legs” to safely operate a non-raccoon modified vehicle.

Third: Be a good citizen. Not all midsized creepy mammals are raccoons. Beavers, for example, are terrific creatures that will let you enter their cool underwater houses if you prove yourself to not be a total racist. Nutria are kind of like beavers except they’re uglier and less talented with architecture. Skunks are still assholes.

Finally, you need to familiarize yourself with the history of the raccoon/human conflict which has been documented in the following films.

The Great Outdoors:

The movie poster alone features one of the most terrifying images of a raccoon ever. Here we see a raccoon staring menacingly with its dead eyes as Dan Akroyd and John Candy brazenly ignore the laws of physics. To make this scene even more disturbing, we must remember that John Candy was later killed by a raccoon. At the time, it was widely reported that he died from “Overweight Comedian Syndrome” but this was all part of a cover-up by raccoon sympathizers in the media.

Are We Done Yet:

Here we see rapper/thespian, Ice Cube, seconds before his untimely demise in this unusually dark family comedy. The raccoon is trying to convince witnesses of his innocence by employing the “cartoon googly eyes” tactic. Give it up, you monster. It didn’t work for Scott Peterson, and it won’t work for you.

Daddy Day Camp:

This truly disturbing film depicts a series of raccoon assaults on humanity. On the poster, we see a duo of raccoons (with skunk allies) using mind control to force a group of children to butt-rape Cuba Gooding Jr.

The Hound That Thought He Was a Raccoon:

This “classic” is practically a raccoon recruitment film in which an innocent hound is corrupted and converted to the ways of raccoonism. The image here seems to depict the pair hiding in a tree after committing a heinous act of arson.

I hope I’ve done a public service here today. In this time of terrorist sleeper cells and economic disarray, it’s sometimes easy to forget that the real enemy could be hiding in our own garbage cans. Always remember that your best weapon in the war against raccoons is awareness. Awareness, coupled with fire.