G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra Trailer Review

Keeping with the movie theme, Yahoo! tells us that Paramount isn't screening G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA for critics. According to the PR machine:

"`G.I. Joe' is a big, fun, summer event movie — one that we've seen audiences enjoy everywhere from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to Phoenix, Ariz.," said Rob Moore, vice chairman of Paramount Pictures. "After the chasm we experienced with `Transformers 2' between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote `G.I. Joe.' We want audiences to define this film."

Translated into English, this reads: "The movie's terrible, we know it's terrible, and we don't want to scare away any people that weren't swayed by the awful trailer from seeing the thing. We just want to collect our huge opening weekend and go in peace."

Hell no.

Whatever, if they won't let critics screen the movie and review it before the release, I can at least take the one thing they have given us -- the trailer -- and review that. So here we go, second-by-second.

0:11 - Alright, we're off to a roaring start as we start with an establishing shot of a FUCKING UNDERWATER CITY. Is this Atlantis? Is this the Little Mermaid?? Is Ariel going to come out and invite Cobra Commander to let her be part of his world?

0:14 - Playing the role of Cobra Commander will be... Conan-era, barely-able-to-speak-English Arnold Schwarzenegger!! --Wait, it's just some dork in a suit? Listen to me very carefully, Paramount. There are very few hard, fast rules in the world of G.I. Joe, but here is one of them: COBRA FUCKING COMMANDER NEVER TAKES HIS HELMET OFF. He doesn't attend board meetings or financial planning sessions, he doesn't go to "working lunches," and he doesn't shop at the GODDAMN MEN'S WEARHOUSE. Fuck.

0:17 - You know this conflict is international because there's CAMELS, motherfucker.

0:20 - So what, the Baroness just stands behind him all the time? Like, not even doing anything? Does she not have a job besides being hot and oiling up her impractical leather outfit?

0:28 - Alright, nukes! Maybe these guys aren't fucking around after all! I mean, a psychopathic megalomaniac with nuclear capabilities is WAY more intimidating than some guy with a lisp and a machine that lets him control the weather.

0:35 - Maybe NOW we'll get to see some actual carn-- wait. What's this green crap? Acid? Bugs? Okay, so it knocked down the Eiffel Tower... that's kind of cool, I guess. I mean, it IS France, and the conservative media tells me I'm not supposed to like them.

0:53 - "We have never faced a threat like this." What, you mean someone who attacked France? Um, I think you might have.

And hang on! You mean to tell me that a single attack on a French tourist attraction brought out the best crack spy group the U.S. military has to offer?? Cobra wounded France's booming tourism industry (as if their refusal to bathe regularly didn't do that already), and we send in chicks in spandex and ninjas?? This premise strikes me as slightly ridiculous.

0:55 - Actually, I think that's strikes one, two, and three right there.

1:01 - "They are the best operatives in the world." Oh, really? You know every operative in the world, and all the best ones are on your team?

1:02 - Wait, he's scarred up, he's talking off his sunglasses, AND HE'S RIDING A MOTORCYCLE?? Can anyone say "hearthrob??"

1:03 - "When all else fails... we don't." I'm sorry, who exactly is Dennis Quaid talking to right now? To whom would he actually need to give this monologue establishing his team's supposed badassery?

1:06 - Awesome.

1:08 - "I want in." I had no idea that's the way one gets to join a super-secret spy group! I figured there was tons of paperwork, interviews, and a rigorous battery of physical tests required to narrow down a field of candidates, not just some shlub muttering generic action movie lines!

1:10 - Film exec 1, last summer: "Johnson! Have you seen that IRON MAN movie yet?"

Film exec 2: "Yeah, it was awesome!"

Film exec 1: "Calm down. Did you see how much money it made? We need him in our movie!"

Film exec 2: "Um... you can't just put Iron Man into G.I. Joe."

Film exec 1: "What? Why the hell not??"

Film exec 2: "It just doesn't work that way."

Film exec 1: "Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ! Do I have to do everything around here? I don't fucking know, just make him all silver or something."

1:16 - Stephen Sommers: "Alright, Marlon... act!"

/wiggles fingers

1:18 - Film exec 2: "Okay, but we can't just put a silver Iron Man into the movie and call it good. He has to be different somehow."

Film exec 1: "What, you mean I gotta do another thing?"

Film exec 2: "Afraid so, sir."

Film exec 1: "Alright, alright. Hey, what's that thing the kids are all blathering about these days? With the running on walls and such? Parcheesi?"

Film exec 2: "What? You mean... parkour?"

Film exec 1: "Yeah! Mix some of that in there too!"

1:25 - "Um, General, it's 3:00 in the morning. We're the only people in this room right now."

"Oh, I know. I'm just practicing. For later."

1:30 - Gratuitous cleavage shot -- best part of the thing so far.

1:35 - Never mind.

1:46 - Again, who the hell is she talking to? She's telling someone in the same room to eject?

1:48 - Oh sweet, Top Gun-style fighter jet combat! Fuck yeah-- wait, the bugs again? Seriously??

1:49 - Am I the only one that finds it completely ridiculous that you don't have to wear a face mask in this plane unless you're ejecting? What if you're looking to the side or picking your nose when that mask comes down? Does it wait its turn, or does it just smoosh your face in-- oh, crap, stopped caring.

1:54 - Oh snap, bro, that's so EXTREME to the MAX! Hope he chugged a Red Bull before that shit, dogg, that is off the HOOK!

2:01 - Hey Baroness, are we at the end, or...?

Oh, okay.

2:06 - Film exec 1: "You see that, Johnson? Our parkour-ing Iron Men were a huge hit with the focus groups! It's like Iron Man meets Blade Runner meets the opening scene from Casino Royale meets that part in Transformers where Megan Fox drove a car -- and women can't even legally drive in this country!"

Film exec 2: "...Sir, I can't even decide where to begin with that sentence."

Film exec 1: "Quiet, fairy. Now, just make sure that scene is shown in EVERY PIECE OF PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL for this piece of shit."

Film exec 2: "You want that scene shown in every promo? You don't think the audience will get tired of seeing that same five-second clip over and over--"

Film exec 1: "Who makes the decisions around here?! Now, get out of here and tell that young Vietnamese boy he can come in here. And the lock the door after he does."