Sordid Confessions - Comic #7

Jealous?

The E! True Devil's Point Story - Comic #6

So we're trying a new format for this whole comic thing. We've moved the archive to a different hosting site, and all the comics will be posted there from now on.

Brando did all the artwork for Panel 3, which I'm looking into having airbrushed onto the side of my rape van.

Also appearing in this comic is none other than Rocket (link NSFW), my favorite dancer at Devil's Point. She rocks. Check her out.

Fighting against censorship - Comic #5

Just to prove that the last two weeks' of comic silence wasn't a result of laziness, here's another one. You know the drill by now.

Or perhaps John Denver? Comic #4

So here's last week's comic, a week delayed. Between the Swine Flu (yes, it's real) and technical issues, I wasn't able to get this comic put up right after PAX. So you'll just have to enjoy it now, when it's less relevant.

Click to blow it up.

I'm about to save you $20-$30. Lucky.

In honor of the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on DVD and Blu-Ray this week, I decided to re-post my review of the movie, which I posted on my Facebook right after I saw this abortion in theaters. Enjoy.

---

So I've just gotten home from an evening that started with a trip to the theater to experience a screening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Allow me to preface this story by saying that I am a comic book nerd from way back. It's my old man's fault, you see. He got me hooked onto the things in the first place, and I just took it from there. And though I stopped partaking in Comic Book Wednesdays a good five years ago, in the 15 years prior, I acquired vast amounts of knowledge and minutia from Marvel, DC, and all sorts of indy companies; enough knowledge that I already knew Wolverine's story going into this movie.

I'll go ahead and drop this bomb while we're here: Wolverine is a dumb character. The kids love him, and fanboys flock to him, sure, but there's no tangible realism to the character, nor is there any real human depth. Homeboy has been, according to the literally hundreds of writers who have written his "history," a lumberjack, a US soldier, a Canadian soldier (he's not picky, so long as there's war to be had!), an inter-dimensional traveler, a FUCKING SAMURAI, a feral dog, and of course a superhero.

But not only is the entire previous sentence true, but he's also had his memory wiped and had new memories implanted! So if a truly lazy writer is charged with writing a Wolverine story, he or she can just make something up and chalk it up to memory implants! It might not be real! It might be just a dream! Oh, how original and cool! *fart noise*

Here's the point: Wolverine started off as a character who fucked people up with cool metal claws that came out of his hands. He grew into a continuity black hole who was more tedious to care about than he was worth. Now he's just a vehicle to sell magazines and comic books: You put him on the cover, you probably just sold out your issues for that month. He is the one thing standing between the comic book industry and the same terrible fate that has befallen the newspaper industry.

However, floating amongst this morass of stupid crap, like curds in month-old milk, are a few glimmering examples of good storytelling. There have been a few AMAZING Wolverine stories (ORIGIN and WEAPON X are the two I have in mind here), told by such comics luminaries as Barry Windsor-Smith, Bill Jemas, Joe Quesada, and Andy Kubert. These stories are excellent, and should rightfully form the backbone of a movie about Wolverine's origins, right?

Wrong.

No, the genius execs at Fox decided to devote a total of about five minutes of screen time to the events laid out in these critically-acclaimed stories, while instead focusing most of their time rehasing EVERY SINGLE CLICHE stolen from EVERY SINGLE TERRIBLE ACTION MOVIE released in the last fifteen years. Let's go down the list:

Girlfriend/family member killed, prompting a revenge story arc? Check.
Jokes stolen from earlier movies featuring the same character? Check.
Shitty one-liners, stolen ver batim from other movies in the genre? Too many to count.
Main character stoically walking away from an explosion he just caused? Check.
Physics-defying stunts insulting to human intelligence, including a motorcycle flying into a helicopter stolen almost shot-for-shot from LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD? Check.
Characters stolen from the source material and then "translated" to the point that they're no longer recognizable as the characters on which they're based? Check.

The list goes on.

And the thing is, NONE OF IT IS ARTFULLY DONE. The dialogue has the feel of a fourth-grader (or a fifth-grader with a fourth-grade reading level) trying to decide what he would think is TOTALLY AWESOME for Wolverine and the bad guys to say. Liev Schreiber, the main villain, speaks ONLY in bad action-movie cliches ("Well well well, look what the cat dragged in," etc). It's just the same copy-paste hackwork that has kept Fox running for years. No risks taken, no boats rocked, no brain cells left intact.

The progression of the film is straight out of a bad video game: Main character keeps fighting bad guys with one or two super powers each, until he fights the end boss, who has ALL THEIR POWERS COMBINED. OH MY GOD, THAT IS GENIUS. HOW DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT.

And oh yeah, at the end of the movie, THE MAIN CHARACTER FORGETS THE WHOLE MOVIE HAPPENED. Oh, we went there alright. Mix in a little CGI'ed Patrick Stewart, an old couple that reminds you a lot of Ma and Pa Kent, and a whole bunch of homoerotic growling and flexing from Hugh Jackman, and you have this glistening turd of a movie.

Listen, we live in a dark time for nerd movies. WATCHMEN (basically the perfect comic book movie) has run its theatrical course, and it hasn't even managed to outgross BATMAN AND ROBIN, the towering monolith of horrendous filmmaking-by-committee. I know I didn't give you any spoiler alerts or anything, but that is because I want you to understand how TERRIBLE this movie was, and implore you NOT to waste your money on it. If you MUST go see it, buy tickets to another movie and sneak in to the theater showing WOLVERINE. We have to send these dumbass studio execs a message: This brainless, pandering crapola will not be tolerated. I know we're just dumb Americans, but we're smarter than THIS.

I've managed to transcend my comic-book-nerdiness. Let's encourage comic book movies to transcend epic failures like this one.

Worst Songs Ever: Stick Stickly by Attack Attack!

Good Lord, I don’t even know where to start. Ok…here goes…

Attack Attack is apparently a Christian screamo band that employs auto-tune to help enhance their soul-killing efficiency. This is the only song of theirs that I’ve heard and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Their new song seems to be about Jesus, but it’s named after a Nickelodeon popsicle-stick mascot from the 90’s. There’s also the possibility that this is all some kind of elaborate joke. We can’t really rule that out.

Remember this guy? Neither do I.

I guess this video has become somewhat of a sensation that has provoked the formation of a new “scene” known as “crabcore” wherein musicians hold their guitars in a manner that can only be described as completely idiotic and impractical. I’m not really sure what my favorite part of this video is, though the hot club beats that emerge at the 2:40 mark are undeniably the centerpiece of the work. I’m also rather fond of the “whoo!” at :57, which is accompanied by a spirited little behind-the-head guitar flourish.

To make this whole thing even stranger, there are actually two crummy bands named Attack Attack. (This one is called Attack Attack! While the other is called Attack! Attack!). The other Attack! Attack! sounds like the Gin Blossoms for the Fall Out Boy generation, but I guess they still win by default. Anyway, this whole affair has killed my ability to feel love, so I’m going to wrap this up. At least they’re better than Brokencyde. Jesus, have things gotten so bad, that I’ve resorted to comparing things favorably to Brokencyde? I need a drink.

This is still worse.

PAX Impressions Round Up

So here’s a bunch of games I played at PAX accompanied by some brief observations. I’ll try and make this quick. GO!

Muramasa: The Demon Blade (Wii): This one probably deserves its own post, but since it came out today anyway, I don’t have anything to say you can’t read in any full review. Long story short, it’s a 2D side scrolling action game from the good folks that brought you Odin Sphere and Grim Grimoire. One thing that sets it apart from most Wii games is that it’s beautiful. All the characters are well-animated, hand drawn sprites, and the backgrounds look like 3D paintings. I want it.

Gran Turismo (PSP): OMG! Portable Gran Turismo! If you have the tiny hobbit hands required to effectively enjoy PSP games, you are so in luck. Personally, I look at the PSP as more of a delivery system for crippling arthritis than an actual gaming device, so I think I’m going to have to pass on this one. Honestly though, this is truly a portable Gran Turismo and that’s definitely impressive.

Little Big Planet (PSP): I love LBP on PS3 and this seems to be a very solid translation of that. From what I’ve heard, there’s no simultaneous multiplayer in the portable version which is a damn shame since that’s probably my favorite part of the game. I’m not sure what the portable version will offer to keep it from being redundant to owners of the PS3 game, but it definitely looks like a solid product so far. And since the game doesn’t demand lengthy play sessions, I can almost imagine wrapping my mitts around that vile device long enough to play it.

Katamari Forever (PS3): This is such a weird series. The original game was so wildly original in its presentation and concept, but every successive entry fails to innovate in the slightest. This new one is definitely fun, but aside from a few new graphical overlays such as cel-shading that give the game a new look, there doesn’t appear to be much of anything new here. The demo level could have been from any of the previous Katamari games, and a lot of the objects you pick up are repeats too. More like Katamari Whatever! Am I right, people!? High Five.

Lego Rock Band (all consoles): I just watched this one, because waiting in line to play it seemed pointless. It’s family-safe Rock Band for parents who don’t want their kids to play regular Rock Band because they might hear some devil worshipping rock singer cuss a swear (which they edit out of RB tracks anyway) I guess I don’t really get what this is even for, but it isn’t really for me, is it? It has Lego people dancing around in the background, and the little note jewels are now little Lego bricks. Wheeee.

Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (DS): The new DS Zelda game is basically like the last DS Zelda game, except instead of riding around on a boat, Link now rides around in a train. The previous DS Zelda, Phantom Hourglass, is probably my least favoritest (is so a word) Zelda game and still one of the only Zeldas I haven’t finished. The dungeon portion of the demo featured some new puzzle elements where you control a second character (one of the big knights from Hourglass) and those segments seemed OK, if kind of unremarkable. The train portion of the demo, however, was completely dull. The train controls just like the boat did in Hourglass, except it’s obviously on rails. There was a boss battle in a cave which was also boring. Ho. Hum.

Mass Effect 2 (360): Didn’t get to play it because the lines were so long, but mere words cannot express how much I want this game. That is all.

Brutal Legend (PS3/360): Another game with long lines that forced me to just be a spectator. What I saw though was mostly reassuring. While I occasionally enjoy Jack Black’s work in Tenacious D, I mostly just find him kind of annoying. What I’ve seen from Brutal Legend so far has been really promising though, and definitely more in the realm of JB’s character from Tenacious D. Also, the game is designed by Tim Schafer who has been responsible for some of my favorite games ever, and Brutal Legend is just dripping with his trademark style. The combat looks pretty stock, but there are apparently several different types of game going on here, including Pikmin style strategy. Long story short: Tim Fuckin’ Schafer. Want.

Tim Schafer is the coolest guy you know.

And that’s it for now! There are a few more but I grow tired of this. Check back soon for my PAX impressions wrap-up where I’ll discuss New Super Mario Bros Wii, the new Ace Attorney game, and probably a few more I forgot to mention in this post. Maybe tomorrow? Or the next day? Whenever.

PAX impressions: God of War 3

I’ve been accused on multiple occasions of “hating fun” because I don’t usually enjoy big summer blockbuster movies like “Transformers” and “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.” The reason I don’t typically like these movies doesn’t have anything to do with me being smarter than you (although I probably am), it’s because I prefer to get my cinematic action fix from video games instead. Why just watch a giant robot punch a dinosaur, when you can commit android on thunder lizard-hate-crimes yourself? This is why I will never (ever) see the G.I. Joe movie, but I’ll still be able to get excited over big-budget, crowd-pleasing, murder-fests like the God of War games.

If you’ve somehow avoided playing any of the previous God of War games, they’re essentially rage simulators. The basic concept is that you play as a very angry dude named Kratos who explores mythical Greece and its associated underworlds and what have you. The locales are filled to the brim with monsters and ghouls who are all extraordinarily murderable. In terms of pure adrenaline fueled, sugar-high style action games, they don’t really get much better, and God of War 3 seems to carry on the tradition nicely.

The demo on display at PAX was primarily a demonstration of how technology can still impress even in this jaded age. The previous God of War games already looked better than the majority of PS2 games, and GoW3 is a great showpiece for the PS3 hardware as well. In fact, Sony’s booth in general seemed to support the PS3 as a profoundly powerful machine. The big demo’s they were showing at PAX included GoW3, Heavy Rain, and Uncharted 2, and they were all some of the most beautiful looking games I’ve ever seen. At least Sony’s first-party developers have figured out the hardware anyway.

To call GoW beautiful is a bit misleading, since its beauty is of the violent and bloody variety. During my brief demo (about 15 minutes) I had the pleasure of gutting a giant Antelope/Lion/Snake beast, manually removing a Cyclops’s eye, and decapitating some guy and using his severed head as a mystical flashlight. The violence is absurd and way over the top, but it fits the God of War vibe pretty well. If you’re playing these games for subtlety, you’re doing it wrong. Speaking of the creatures, I was really impressed by the monster designs. The whole game has kind of a late 80’s metal album cover aesthetic to it. The Antelope/Lion/Snake beast is a perfect example of how a stupid idea can be visually translated into something ridiculously kickass. In this case, the monster’s neck roared at me. So I tore off one of its own horns and plunged it into one of its faces. So cool.

Generally speaking though, God of War 3 hasn’t advanced the actual gameplay much at all. The game has a very familiar feel to it, though I felt like things just moved and controlled a little bit more smoothly. The old games were already pretty slick in this regard so it’s probably for the best they didn’t change much. The real innovation in these games comes from level designs, and the big set piece boss battles. The demo on display seemed to definitely follow the God of War tradition of never letting you be bored, which if carried through the rest of the game, will be more than enough.

Overall, I was really impressed with this demo. I’ve never really considered myself a huge God of War fan (in fact I’ve barely touched GoW2) but this demo has excited me enough that I kind of want to pick up the PS3 God of War collection that comes out in November, despite it’s dopey cover art which features no fewer than FOUR (4) uses of the God of War logo. In other news, I’m a consumer whore.

(wait...what game was this again?)

video courtesy of Gamevideos.com

A Proportionate Response - Comic #3

So, being unemployed has afforded me a lot more time to do things like "make art" and "be creative." Hence the masterpiece you see before you.

Click to blow it up.

Billy Mays was right... dead right - Comic #2

Here's this week's comic. Click to blow it up.