More Like 'I Hope They Serve Beer In... Your Mom'! Burn.

Above is the trailer for I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It releases September 25 across the country.

The film is based off the NY Times Bestselling novel of the same name written by Tucker Max. (Link goes to website. Did I just blow your mind?) It is a collection of short stories about his drunken antics in college and beyond. Tucker, along with friend Nils Parker, adapted the book to a screenplay and sold the script to an independent studio (Darko Entertainment), retaining creative control as well as a director's credit.

Let's go over that again: Tucker Max wrote and produced this film, which is based on his bestselling novel about his life. I couldn't be more jealous of that if I tried.

To promote the film, Tucker started a production blog, where for roughly the last 18 months, he has been chronicling the process of producing the film, from hiring a director and casting roles, down to video interviews with the lowliest gaffer on the set.

And now, with the final print finished and the movie set to release in a little less than two months, Tucker is taking the film on a "Premiere Tour," as he calls it, visiting 32 cities to screen the movie to a limited audience. People who attend the screening get to see the film early, which includes a Q&A session with Tucker and Nils, and a swag bag filled with film merch. All for ten bucks.

Pretty sweet, right? Well guess what else: The first stop is in Portland. And I got tickets.

I'm not gonna lie to you: I'm a little afraid that this is going to suck. On the surface, Tucker's writing describes the kind of douchebag fratboy idiocy that I think most civilized people hate. Plus, the stories come off as severely embellished (Tucker vehemently insists that they're all true, but what else would he say?). But it's told with such a brilliant tone, and so out-and-out funny, that you really can't help but like it. That said, I'm definitely wary of the possibility of, once this is committed to celluloid, that it's just going to come off as a 90-minute Real World episode.

But hey, it sounds like fun, and I've followed it this far. May as well see this ride to its conclusion.

World Famous Jew Recording Christmas Album

Via Bully!Pulpit

So apparently in an effort to remain completely unpredictable well into the stage of life where most successful musicians are enjoying their victory lap phase, Bob Dylan has decided to record a Christmas album for release later this year.

There have been four songs announced for inclusion so far and they are, “Here Comes Santa Claus,” “Must Be Santa,” “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” and “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Hopefully he won’t get around to covering more modern fare such as Paul McCartney’s holiday themed abortion, “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time,” because I think that might be the one song capable of killing all hope. In a very general sense.

I’m a ridiculous fan of Bob Dylan and will buy this on day one regardless, but are normal people really in the market for an album of Christmas classics translated through Bob Dylan’s husky baritone? Also, isn’t it weird that this guy is Jewish and he’s covering “O Little Town of Bethlehem?” Is he even Jewish anymore? He went through a Christian phase for three albums in the 80’s, but since then he hasn’t been name checking the Jesus much at all, and the rumor has been that he’s back to being all Jewish and stuff. Regardless of his personal faith, I for one am glad that Bob Dylan has put aside the nitpicky specifics of any one particular religion to celebrate the birth of our true savior, Jesus Christ.

id Tech 5 gives me wood

So a few hours ago Joystiq threw up some screenshots from id software's RAGE which I CAN'T FUCKING STOP LOOKING AT! For those of you that are unfamiliar id Software is the company responsible for the DOOM, Quake, and Wolfenstien franchises which we all know and love.

RAGE is the first title that will use a new game engine called id Tech 5 that was developed in house by John Carmack a founder of id and a fucking hero! I'm just glad after the 5 years since the release of DOOM 3, id has something bright and shiny in the future for us all to look forward to. On that note here are the rest of the Screenshots

Also if you are really interested in the id Tech 5 engine here is a PDF that gives some interesting information about it for those of us that enjoy the occasional nerd read.

Warcraft Movie

It had to happen folks. A library or novels, a card game, a miniatures game, board game, RP game, the towering giant that is WOW, and in the foreseeable future a blockbuster hit. It seems as if Blizzard Entertainment will stop at nothing short of world domination. And we as consumers, gamers, or just plain nerds... are sort of OK with that (the right thing to do here would rant about how great a world run by Blizzard would be, but lets stick to the topic.)


We've heard for awhile now that a warcraft movie was in the works but many had thought that it became another forgotten project like starcraft ghost, less than a month ago people found out this is NOT the case, as it was announced that Sam Raimi will be directing the Warcraft movie. Hmm... while at first this was a little bit disappointing to me and the conversations between me and Trev were flooded with hilarious images like Mary Jane Pealing off Spiderman's mask in the rain going for that romantic kiss only to reveal a giant yellow pair of orc tusks protruding out of a green slobbery mouth, or a goblin sapper flying around on a jetboard lobbing pumpkins at people.

My initial reservations were due to Spiderman 3 being soooooooo universally terribad, but as i thought more about it i was like OK I'll give him Evil dead/Army Of Darkness even 30 Days Of Night was pretty good. The reality of the situation is, it makes no difference who works on the film. because Blizzard has the money, power, and influence to bend a director or writer over the counter and fuck them into making whatever movie they want, because when it comes to lore and staying true to source material Blizzard really seems like compromise is out of the question. Not to mention the crazy responsibility that will be balancing on Raimi's shoulders if the movie is bad there will be many millions of angry nerds blaming him, MY GOD could u imagine the ANGRY LETTERS!!!!

I have long abandoned my wow addiction and yet I will definitely be looking forward to this.

Josh Homme, Dave Grohl, and John Paul Effing Jones unite to form Voltronesque rock machine called Them Crooked Vultures

Via Antiquiet

Remember a few months back when members of Hanson, Smashing Pumpkins, and Cheap Trick all teamed up to form Tinted Windows? Remember how they were terrible? Well that pitch black cloud hasn’t prevented other big time artists to take part in a supergroup renaissance of sorts. On one hand we have the commercially successful Van Hagar/ Satriani combination, Chickenfoot, which you probably don’t care about as much as your cool dad does. And on the other, we have the overwhelmingly awesome Dead Weather, which combines members from most of my favorite bands (White Stripes, Raconteurs, The Kills, Queens of the Stone Age). Well apparently there’s a new supergroup of the good variety coming our way in the form of Them Crooked Vultures.

There’s not much information about the band yet but the lineup is Josh Homme from Queens of The Stone Age on guitar, Dave Grohl of Nirvana (and Foo Fighters I guess) on drums, and John Paul Jones from LED ZEPPELIN on bass. That last one will probably be the biggest deal to most people, but honestly the idea of Grohl and Homme working together again is exciting on its own. It’s easy to scoff at Dave Grohl considering the Foo Fighters are just about the most average anything ever, but his involvement here should in no way be glossed over. Not only is the guy a great drummer, but he has an impeccable taste in side projects. His Probot project (where he wrote all the songs and played all the instruments while classic metal singers provided vocals) was excellent, and the dude also provided drums for the first Tenacious D album AND for a Killing Joke album. Not to mention he was an honorary member of QOTSA for awhile during their Songs for the Deaf period. Watch the following video and imagine John Paul Jones playing bass in place of prominent drug enthusiast , Nick Oliveri.

Good, right? It will probably sound nothing like that, but regardless, I think there’s plenty of reason to be pretty optimistic here. Now we can only hope that Trent Reznor’s collaboration with Bono and Ghostface Killa works out.

Craig Ferguson Figured It Out

Via Goldenfiddle



Listen, I'm kind of proud of the fact that I've never watched even a second of the Craig Ferguson Show (or whatever the hell it's called) outside of a couple YouTube clips, but I may start, because this rant might as well be my life manifesto. Kids are fucking stupid and we should NOT reward them for being such.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra Trailer Review

Keeping with the movie theme, Yahoo! tells us that Paramount isn't screening G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA for critics. According to the PR machine:

"`G.I. Joe' is a big, fun, summer event movie — one that we've seen audiences enjoy everywhere from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to Phoenix, Ariz.," said Rob Moore, vice chairman of Paramount Pictures. "After the chasm we experienced with `Transformers 2' between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote `G.I. Joe.' We want audiences to define this film."

Translated into English, this reads: "The movie's terrible, we know it's terrible, and we don't want to scare away any people that weren't swayed by the awful trailer from seeing the thing. We just want to collect our huge opening weekend and go in peace."

Hell no.

Whatever, if they won't let critics screen the movie and review it before the release, I can at least take the one thing they have given us -- the trailer -- and review that. So here we go, second-by-second.

0:11 - Alright, we're off to a roaring start as we start with an establishing shot of a FUCKING UNDERWATER CITY. Is this Atlantis? Is this the Little Mermaid?? Is Ariel going to come out and invite Cobra Commander to let her be part of his world?

0:14 - Playing the role of Cobra Commander will be... Conan-era, barely-able-to-speak-English Arnold Schwarzenegger!! --Wait, it's just some dork in a suit? Listen to me very carefully, Paramount. There are very few hard, fast rules in the world of G.I. Joe, but here is one of them: COBRA FUCKING COMMANDER NEVER TAKES HIS HELMET OFF. He doesn't attend board meetings or financial planning sessions, he doesn't go to "working lunches," and he doesn't shop at the GODDAMN MEN'S WEARHOUSE. Fuck.

0:17 - You know this conflict is international because there's CAMELS, motherfucker.

0:20 - So what, the Baroness just stands behind him all the time? Like, not even doing anything? Does she not have a job besides being hot and oiling up her impractical leather outfit?

0:28 - Alright, nukes! Maybe these guys aren't fucking around after all! I mean, a psychopathic megalomaniac with nuclear capabilities is WAY more intimidating than some guy with a lisp and a machine that lets him control the weather.

0:35 - Maybe NOW we'll get to see some actual carn-- wait. What's this green crap? Acid? Bugs? Okay, so it knocked down the Eiffel Tower... that's kind of cool, I guess. I mean, it IS France, and the conservative media tells me I'm not supposed to like them.

0:53 - "We have never faced a threat like this." What, you mean someone who attacked France? Um, I think you might have.

And hang on! You mean to tell me that a single attack on a French tourist attraction brought out the best crack spy group the U.S. military has to offer?? Cobra wounded France's booming tourism industry (as if their refusal to bathe regularly didn't do that already), and we send in chicks in spandex and ninjas?? This premise strikes me as slightly ridiculous.

0:55 - Actually, I think that's strikes one, two, and three right there.

1:01 - "They are the best operatives in the world." Oh, really? You know every operative in the world, and all the best ones are on your team?

1:02 - Wait, he's scarred up, he's talking off his sunglasses, AND HE'S RIDING A MOTORCYCLE?? Can anyone say "hearthrob??"

1:03 - "When all else fails... we don't." I'm sorry, who exactly is Dennis Quaid talking to right now? To whom would he actually need to give this monologue establishing his team's supposed badassery?

1:06 - Awesome.

1:08 - "I want in." I had no idea that's the way one gets to join a super-secret spy group! I figured there was tons of paperwork, interviews, and a rigorous battery of physical tests required to narrow down a field of candidates, not just some shlub muttering generic action movie lines!

1:10 - Film exec 1, last summer: "Johnson! Have you seen that IRON MAN movie yet?"

Film exec 2: "Yeah, it was awesome!"

Film exec 1: "Calm down. Did you see how much money it made? We need him in our movie!"

Film exec 2: "Um... you can't just put Iron Man into G.I. Joe."

Film exec 1: "What? Why the hell not??"

Film exec 2: "It just doesn't work that way."

Film exec 1: "Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ! Do I have to do everything around here? I don't fucking know, just make him all silver or something."

1:16 - Stephen Sommers: "Alright, Marlon... act!"

/wiggles fingers

1:18 - Film exec 2: "Okay, but we can't just put a silver Iron Man into the movie and call it good. He has to be different somehow."

Film exec 1: "What, you mean I gotta do another thing?"

Film exec 2: "Afraid so, sir."

Film exec 1: "Alright, alright. Hey, what's that thing the kids are all blathering about these days? With the running on walls and such? Parcheesi?"

Film exec 2: "What? You mean... parkour?"

Film exec 1: "Yeah! Mix some of that in there too!"

1:25 - "Um, General, it's 3:00 in the morning. We're the only people in this room right now."

"Oh, I know. I'm just practicing. For later."

1:30 - Gratuitous cleavage shot -- best part of the thing so far.

1:35 - Never mind.

1:46 - Again, who the hell is she talking to? She's telling someone in the same room to eject?

1:48 - Oh sweet, Top Gun-style fighter jet combat! Fuck yeah-- wait, the bugs again? Seriously??

1:49 - Am I the only one that finds it completely ridiculous that you don't have to wear a face mask in this plane unless you're ejecting? What if you're looking to the side or picking your nose when that mask comes down? Does it wait its turn, or does it just smoosh your face in-- oh, crap, stopped caring.

1:54 - Oh snap, bro, that's so EXTREME to the MAX! Hope he chugged a Red Bull before that shit, dogg, that is off the HOOK!

2:01 - Hey Baroness, are we at the end, or...?

Oh, okay.

2:06 - Film exec 1: "You see that, Johnson? Our parkour-ing Iron Men were a huge hit with the focus groups! It's like Iron Man meets Blade Runner meets the opening scene from Casino Royale meets that part in Transformers where Megan Fox drove a car -- and women can't even legally drive in this country!"

Film exec 2: "...Sir, I can't even decide where to begin with that sentence."

Film exec 1: "Quiet, fairy. Now, just make sure that scene is shown in EVERY PIECE OF PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL for this piece of shit."

Film exec 2: "You want that scene shown in every promo? You don't think the audience will get tired of seeing that same five-second clip over and over--"

Film exec 1: "Who makes the decisions around here?! Now, get out of here and tell that young Vietnamese boy he can come in here. And the lock the door after he does."