Shyeah

Oh shit, this is still here.

2009-10-23T14:29:00.000-07:00

Hey. Long time. So, remember in that last post, when I said we were posting comics to a new hosting site? And that I would post the address of that site?

Yeah, I forgot to do that. It seems we've progressed to the point that we're just doing comics now. We've done like 12 of 'em since the last time I posted one here. So change your bookmarks accordingly:

shyeah.smackjeeves.com.

Enjoy.

Sordid Confessions - Comic #7

2009-09-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Jealous?

The E! True Devil's Point Story - Comic #6

2009-09-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

So we're trying a new format for this whole comic thing. We've moved the archive to a different hosting site, and all the comics will be posted there from now on.

Brando did all the artwork for Panel 3, which I'm looking into having airbrushed onto the side of my rape van.

Also appearing in this comic is none other than Rocket (link NSFW), my favorite dancer at Devil's Point. She rocks. Check her out.

Fighting against censorship - Comic #5

2009-09-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

Just to prove that the last two weeks' of comic silence wasn't a result of laziness, here's another one. You know the drill by now.

Or perhaps John Denver? Comic #4

2009-09-23T23:41:00.001-07:00

So here's last week's comic, a week delayed. Between the Swine Flu (yes, it's real) and technical issues, I wasn't able to get this comic put up right after PAX. So you'll just have to enjoy it now, when it's less relevant.

Click to blow it up.

I'm about to save you $20-$30. Lucky.

2009-09-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

In honor of the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on DVD and Blu-Ray this week, I decided to re-post my review of the movie, which I posted on my Facebook right after I saw this abortion in theaters. Enjoy.

---

So I've just gotten home from an evening that started with a trip to the theater to experience a screening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Allow me to preface this story by saying that I am a comic book nerd from way back. It's my old man's fault, you see. He got me hooked onto the things in the first place, and I just took it from there. And though I stopped partaking in Comic Book Wednesdays a good five years ago, in the 15 years prior, I acquired vast amounts of knowledge and minutia from Marvel, DC, and all sorts of indy companies; enough knowledge that I already knew Wolverine's story going into this movie.

I'll go ahead and drop this bomb while we're here: Wolverine is a dumb character. The kids love him, and fanboys flock to him, sure, but there's no tangible realism to the character, nor is there any real human depth. Homeboy has been, according to the literally hundreds of writers who have written his "history," a lumberjack, a US soldier, a Canadian soldier (he's not picky, so long as there's war to be had!), an inter-dimensional traveler, a FUCKING SAMURAI, a feral dog, and of course a superhero.

But not only is the entire previous sentence true, but he's also had his memory wiped and had new memories implanted! So if a truly lazy writer is charged with writing a Wolverine story, he or she can just make something up and chalk it up to memory implants! It might not be real! It might be just a dream! Oh, how original and cool! *fart noise*

Here's the point: Wolverine started off as a character who fucked people up with cool metal claws that came out of his hands. He grew into a continuity black hole who was more tedious to care about than he was worth. Now he's just a vehicle to sell magazines and comic books: You put him on the cover, you probably just sold out your issues for that month. He is the one thing standing between the comic book industry and the same terrible fate that has befallen the newspaper industry.

However, floating amongst this morass of stupid crap, like curds in month-old milk, are a few glimmering examples of good storytelling. There have been a few AMAZING Wolverine stories (ORIGIN and WEAPON X are the two I have in mind here), told by such comics luminaries as Barry Windsor-Smith, Bill Jemas, Joe Quesada, and Andy Kubert. These stories are excellent, and should rightfully form the backbone of a movie about Wolverine's origins, right?

Wrong.

No, the genius execs at Fox decided to devote a total of about five minutes of screen time to the events laid out in these critically-acclaimed stories, while instead focusing most of their time rehasing EVERY SINGLE CLICHE stolen from EVERY SINGLE TERRIBLE ACTION MOVIE released in the last fifteen years. Let's go down the list:

Girlfriend/family member killed, prompting a revenge story arc? Check.
Jokes stolen from earlier movies featuring the same character? Check.
Shitty one-liners, stolen ver batim from other movies in the genre? Too many to count.
Main character stoically walking away from an explosion he just caused? Check.
Physics-defying stunts insulting to human intelligence, including a motorcycle flying into a helicopter stolen almost shot-for-shot from LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD? Check.
Characters stolen from the source material and then "translated" to the point that they're no longer recognizable as the characters on which they're based? Check.

The list goes on.

And the thing is, NONE OF IT IS ARTFULLY DONE. The dialogue has the feel of a fourth-grader (or a fifth-grader with a fourth-grade reading level) trying to decide what he would think is TOTALLY AWESOME for Wolverine and the bad guys to say. Liev Schreiber, the main villain, speaks ONLY in bad action-movie cliches ("Well well well, look what the cat dragged in," etc). It's just the same copy-paste hackwork that has kept Fox running for years. No risks taken, no boats rocked, no brain cells left intact.

The progression of the film is straight out of a bad video game: Main character keeps fighting bad guys with one or two super powers each, until he fights the end boss, who has ALL THEIR POWERS COMBINED. OH MY GOD, THAT IS GENIUS. HOW DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT.

And oh yeah, at the end of the movie, THE MAIN CHARACTER FORGETS THE WHOLE MOVIE HAPPENED. Oh, we went there alright. Mix in a little CGI'ed Patrick Stewart, an old couple that reminds you a lot of Ma and Pa Kent, and a whole bunch of homoerotic growling and flexing from Hugh Jackman, and you have this glistening turd of a movie.

Listen, we live in a dark time for nerd movies. WATCHMEN (basically the perfect comic book movie) has run its theatrical course, and it hasn't even managed to outgross BATMAN AND ROBIN, the towering monolith of horrendous filmmaking-by-committee. I know I didn't give you any spoiler alerts or anything, but that is because I want you to understand how TERRIBLE this movie was, and implore you NOT to waste your money on it. If you MUST go see it, buy tickets to another movie and sneak in to the theater showing WOLVERINE. We have to send these dumbass studio execs a message: This brainless, pandering crapola will not be tolerated. I know we're just dumb Americans, but we're smarter than THIS.

I've managed to transcend my comic-book-nerdiness. Let's encourage comic book movies to transcend epic failures like this one.

Worst Songs Ever: Stick Stickly by Attack Attack!

2009-09-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

Good Lord, I don’t even know where to start. Ok…here goes…

Attack Attack is apparently a Christian screamo band that employs auto-tune to help enhance their soul-killing efficiency. This is the only song of theirs that I’ve heard and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Their new song seems to be about Jesus, but it’s named after a Nickelodeon popsicle-stick mascot from the 90’s. There’s also the possibility that this is all some kind of elaborate joke. We can’t really rule that out.

Remember this guy? Neither do I.

I guess this video has become somewhat of a sensation that has provoked the formation of a new “scene” known as “crabcore” wherein musicians hold their guitars in a manner that can only be described as completely idiotic and impractical. I’m not really sure what my favorite part of this video is, though the hot club beats that emerge at the 2:40 mark are undeniably the centerpiece of the work. I’m also rather fond of the “whoo!” at :57, which is accompanied by a spirited little behind-the-head guitar flourish.

To make this whole thing even stranger, there are actually two crummy bands named Attack Attack. (This one is called Attack Attack! While the other is called Attack! Attack!). The other Attack! Attack! sounds like the Gin Blossoms for the Fall Out Boy generation, but I guess they still win by default. Anyway, this whole affair has killed my ability to feel love, so I’m going to wrap this up. At least they’re better than Brokencyde. Jesus, have things gotten so bad, that I’ve resorted to comparing things favorably to Brokencyde? I need a drink.

This is still worse.

PAX Impressions Round Up

2009-09-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

So here’s a bunch of games I played at PAX accompanied by some brief observations. I’ll try and make this quick. GO!

Muramasa: The Demon Blade (Wii): This one probably deserves its own post, but since it came out today anyway, I don’t have anything to say you can’t read in any full review. Long story short, it’s a 2D side scrolling action game from the good folks that brought you Odin Sphere and Grim Grimoire. One thing that sets it apart from most Wii games is that it’s beautiful. All the characters are well-animated, hand drawn sprites, and the backgrounds look like 3D paintings. I want it.

Gran Turismo (PSP): OMG! Portable Gran Turismo! If you have the tiny hobbit hands required to effectively enjoy PSP games, you are so in luck. Personally, I look at the PSP as more of a delivery system for crippling arthritis than an actual gaming device, so I think I’m going to have to pass on this one. Honestly though, this is truly a portable Gran Turismo and that’s definitely impressive.

Little Big Planet (PSP): I love LBP on PS3 and this seems to be a very solid translation of that. From what I’ve heard, there’s no simultaneous multiplayer in the portable version which is a damn shame since that’s probably my favorite part of the game. I’m not sure what the portable version will offer to keep it from being redundant to owners of the PS3 game, but it definitely looks like a solid product so far. And since the game doesn’t demand lengthy play sessions, I can almost imagine wrapping my mitts around that vile device long enough to play it.

Katamari Forever (PS3): This is such a weird series. The original game was so wildly original in its presentation and concept, but every successive entry fails to innovate in the slightest. This new one is definitely fun, but aside from a few new graphical overlays such as cel-shading that give the game a new look, there doesn’t appear to be much of anything new here. The demo level could have been from any of the previous Katamari games, and a lot of the objects you pick up are repeats too. More like Katamari Whatever! Am I right, people!? High Five.

Lego Rock Band (all consoles): I just watched this one, because waiting in line to play it seemed pointless. It’s family-safe Rock Band for parents who don’t want their kids to play regular Rock Band because they might hear some devil worshipping rock singer cuss a swear (which they edit out of RB tracks anyway) I guess I don’t really get what this is even for, but it isn’t really for me, is it? It has Lego people dancing around in the background, and the little note jewels are now little Lego bricks. Wheeee.

Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (DS): The new DS Zelda game is basically like the last DS Zelda game, except instead of riding around on a boat, Link now rides around in a train. The previous DS Zelda, Phantom Hourglass, is probably my least favoritest (is so a word) Zelda game and still one of the only Zeldas I haven’t finished. The dungeon portion of the demo featured some new puzzle elements where you control a second character (one of the big knights from Hourglass) and those segments seemed OK, if kind of unremarkable. The train portion of the demo, however, was completely dull. The train controls just like the boat did in Hourglass, except it’s obviously on rails. There was a boss battle in a cave which was also boring. Ho. Hum.

Mass Effect 2 (360): Didn’t get to play it because the lines were so long, but mere words cannot express how much I want this game. That is all.

Brutal Legend (PS3/360): Another game with long lines that forced me to just be a spectator. What I saw though was mostly reassuring. While I occasionally enjoy Jack Black’s work in Tenacious D, I mostly just find him kind of annoying. What I’ve seen from Brutal Legend so far has been really promising though, and definitely more in the realm of JB’s character from Tenacious D. Also, the game is designed by Tim Schafer who has been responsible for some of my favorite games ever, and Brutal Legend is just dripping with his trademark style. The combat looks pretty stock, but there are apparently several different types of game going on here, including Pikmin style strategy. Long story short: Tim Fuckin’ Schafer. Want.

Tim Schafer is the coolest guy you know.

And that’s it for now! There are a few more but I grow tired of this. Check back soon for my PAX impressions wrap-up where I’ll discuss New Super Mario Bros Wii, the new Ace Attorney game, and probably a few more I forgot to mention in this post. Maybe tomorrow? Or the next day? Whenever.

PAX impressions: God of War 3

2009-09-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been accused on multiple occasions of “hating fun” because I don’t usually enjoy big summer blockbuster movies like “Transformers” and “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.” The reason I don’t typically like these movies doesn’t have anything to do with me being smarter than you (although I probably am), it’s because I prefer to get my cinematic action fix from video games instead. Why just watch a giant robot punch a dinosaur, when you can commit android on thunder lizard-hate-crimes yourself? This is why I will never (ever) see the G.I. Joe movie, but I’ll still be able to get excited over big-budget, crowd-pleasing, murder-fests like the God of War games.

If you’ve somehow avoided playing any of the previous God of War games, they’re essentially rage simulators. The basic concept is that you play as a very angry dude named Kratos who explores mythical Greece and its associated underworlds and what have you. The locales are filled to the brim with monsters and ghouls who are all extraordinarily murderable. In terms of pure adrenaline fueled, sugar-high style action games, they don’t really get much better, and God of War 3 seems to carry on the tradition nicely.

The demo on display at PAX was primarily a demonstration of how technology can still impress even in this jaded age. The previous God of War games already looked better than the majority of PS2 games, and GoW3 is a great showpiece for the PS3 hardware as well. In fact, Sony’s booth in general seemed to support the PS3 as a profoundly powerful machine. The big demo’s they were showing at PAX included GoW3, Heavy Rain, and Uncharted 2, and they were all some of the most beautiful looking games I’ve ever seen. At least Sony’s first-party developers have figured out the hardware anyway.

To call GoW beautiful is a bit misleading, since its beauty is of the violent and bloody variety. During my brief demo (about 15 minutes) I had the pleasure of gutting a giant Antelope/Lion/Snake beast, manually removing a Cyclops’s eye, and decapitating some guy and using his severed head as a mystical flashlight. The violence is absurd and way over the top, but it fits the God of War vibe pretty well. If you’re playing these games for subtlety, you’re doing it wrong. Speaking of the creatures, I was really impressed by the monster designs. The whole game has kind of a late 80’s metal album cover aesthetic to it. The Antelope/Lion/Snake beast is a perfect example of how a stupid idea can be visually translated into something ridiculously kickass. In this case, the monster’s neck roared at me. So I tore off one of its own horns and plunged it into one of its faces. So cool.

Generally speaking though, God of War 3 hasn’t advanced the actual gameplay much at all. The game has a very familiar feel to it, though I felt like things just moved and controlled a little bit more smoothly. The old games were already pretty slick in this regard so it’s probably for the best they didn’t change much. The real innovation in these games comes from level designs, and the big set piece boss battles. The demo on display seemed to definitely follow the God of War tradition of never letting you be bored, which if carried through the rest of the game, will be more than enough.

Overall, I was really impressed with this demo. I’ve never really considered myself a huge God of War fan (in fact I’ve barely touched GoW2) but this demo has excited me enough that I kind of want to pick up the PS3 God of War collection that comes out in November, despite it’s dopey cover art which features no fewer than FOUR (4) uses of the God of War logo. In other news, I’m a consumer whore.

(wait...what game was this again?)

video courtesy of Gamevideos.com

A Proportionate Response - Comic #3

2009-09-03T14:14:00.001-07:00

So, being unemployed has afforded me a lot more time to do things like "make art" and "be creative." Hence the masterpiece you see before you.

Click to blow it up.

Billy Mays was right... dead right - Comic #2

2009-09-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

Here's this week's comic. Click to blow it up.

"What?... yea i'll do it later"

2009-08-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

I just want everyone to know that I love you, I value your readership, I am genuinely concerned about getting some blog posts up, but most important of all; i'm defiantly NOT ignoring you to play Prototype...

Raccoons: The Big Bug Scourge of the Skies

2009-08-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

I am sick. Sick to death of how we as a society continually turn a blind eye to the real problems facing our great nation. Naturally, I speak of raccoons. Unfortunately, our nation’s broken school system fails completely at teaching adequate raccoon awareness thanks to uptight PTA committees that fear potential controversy. If you’re one of the unfortunate folks who don’t even know to keep a raccoon preparedness kit in every room of your house, then read on, and prepare to be enlightened.

Some basic facts: You are probably larger than a raccoon, but they will still best you in combat because they are devious cheats. Conventional attacks mean nothing to raccoons. If you punch a raccoon in the face, it will just laugh at you, and then probably go rape your mom. NEVER ATTACK A RACCOON WITH A BLADE. They bleed acid, like in that movie “Raccoon” and its thrilling James Cameron directed sequel, “Raccoons.” While it’s completely unadvisable to initiate violent conflict with a raccoon without backup from your posse of bros, you must always exercise your Raccoon Risk Reduction Responsibilities:

First: If you see a pregnant raccoon, you must do everything in your power to abort the birth. If you’re unfamiliar with standard raccoon abortion protocol, you can pick up a kit at most Walgreen’s locations that includes a hammer, a corkscrew, and a plastic baggie for stem cell containment.

Second: Friends don’t let friends let raccoons drive cars. While it looks like they could probably steer pretty well because they have those grabby little hands, they lack both the “cognitive capacity” and the “long enough legs” to safely operate a non-raccoon modified vehicle.

Third: Be a good citizen. Not all midsized creepy mammals are raccoons. Beavers, for example, are terrific creatures that will let you enter their cool underwater houses if you prove yourself to not be a total racist. Nutria are kind of like beavers except they’re uglier and less talented with architecture. Skunks are still assholes.

Finally, you need to familiarize yourself with the history of the raccoon/human conflict which has been documented in the following films.

The Great Outdoors:

The movie poster alone features one of the most terrifying images of a raccoon ever. Here we see a raccoon staring menacingly with its dead eyes as Dan Akroyd and John Candy brazenly ignore the laws of physics. To make this scene even more disturbing, we must remember that John Candy was later killed by a raccoon. At the time, it was widely reported that he died from “Overweight Comedian Syndrome” but this was all part of a cover-up by raccoon sympathizers in the media.

Are We Done Yet:

Here we see rapper/thespian, Ice Cube, seconds before his untimely demise in this unusually dark family comedy. The raccoon is trying to convince witnesses of his innocence by employing the “cartoon googly eyes” tactic. Give it up, you monster. It didn’t work for Scott Peterson, and it won’t work for you.

Daddy Day Camp:

This truly disturbing film depicts a series of raccoon assaults on humanity. On the poster, we see a duo of raccoons (with skunk allies) using mind control to force a group of children to butt-rape Cuba Gooding Jr.

The Hound That Thought He Was a Raccoon:

This “classic” is practically a raccoon recruitment film in which an innocent hound is corrupted and converted to the ways of raccoonism. The image here seems to depict the pair hiding in a tree after committing a heinous act of arson.

I hope I’ve done a public service here today. In this time of terrorist sleeper cells and economic disarray, it’s sometimes easy to forget that the real enemy could be hiding in our own garbage cans. Always remember that your best weapon in the war against raccoons is awareness. Awareness, coupled with fire.

Update

2009-08-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

Just a quick follow up to the Blizzcon news, Kotaku just posted the trailer for Cataclysm which you can view here

Suburbia in the 90s Was Weird

2009-08-21T12:16:00.001-07:00

Oh shit, no one's posted anything in over a week! This calls for a copout video post!

Please consider the case of David Wagner. Sometime between 1990-1992, David and a couple of his idiot friends in Ames, IA, decided to kill one of the long suburban afternoons by fucking around with their Dad's camcorder. What ensued was the type of shame that any self-respecting adult would do anything to hide. Acid-washed jeans, awkward-white-kid-dancing in a school hallway, "street slang" which was painfully misused even in the early nineties, and unfortunate mullet/glasses combos were committed to Super 8 tape for all eternity.

And that wouldn't have been so bad if this video just resided in a shoebox in Dave's attic somewhere. But no, it appears that this tape fell into the wrong hands. Cruel, unfeeling hands, who unconscionably put this video up on YouTube for all the world to see.

Now, this video was posted three years ago and has a paltry 11,000 views. But I'm confident that with Shyeah's immense readership (hi mom), this video will surely have gone viral within ten minutes of this posting.

via FilmDrunk

B to the C

2009-08-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

The big news today is of course Blizz fucking con. Kicking off about an hour ago I'm sure we're in for a few sparkling brown nuggets of info over the weekend that will be sure to have about 15 million people frothing at the mouth, I speak of course of the main thing that I'm sure is at the top of every ones mind attending blizzcon right now. CATACLYSM!! dun dun duuuun! what was a rumor over the passed few weeks has just been confirmed via live coverage from Kotaku which you can check out here. Cataclysm is of course the upcoming 2010 WOW expansion and will feature:

Level cap raised to 85
2 new races (Goblin for the horde, Worgen for alliance)
Kalimdor and Eastern kingdoms have been transformed
New race/class combos (ie. Tauren Paladins)
And much moar!

Adding to the anticipation of Blizzcon was a rumor of sorts, or "accidental slip" from the Korean version of Diablo 3 featuring the 4th unknown race. And assuming it gets confirmed over the weekend that will bring the roaster of playable classes in Diablo 3 to Witchdoctor, Barbarian, Wizard, and Monk. Huzzah!

For those attending Blizzcon (or watching the paid direct TV/Internet stream) get an exclusive WOW in game pet Grunty the Murloc marine which is pretty rad also Ozzy Osbourne will be taking main stage to headline the music portion of Blizzcon.

Check out more over at Kotaku's live blogging coverage
Or View 16+ hours of Blizzcon on Direct TV or streaming on the internets

In Such A Savage Economy - Comic1

2009-08-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

Here is this weeks comic, click to enlarge. Enjoy!

Spent Cartridges #1: Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

2009-08-10T21:58:00.000-07:00

Spent Cartridges is an ongoing (maybe) series of columns devoted to classic (or sometimes just old) video games. Join us as we explore the past and prance about in the clovered fields of nostalgia.

There are only two things is the world that I take completely seriously and regard with undying reverence. The first is the teachings passed down in the Wu Tang manual by the prophet RZA, and the second is a series of video games about killing Draculas.

I’m of course talking about the Castlevania series from Konami in which you take the role of various and sundry vampire hunters in a quest to finally rid the world of Vlad Tepes Dracula. The history of the series is actually quite complicated, and I’m sure I’m a big enough dork that I’ll explore it in more detail in future articles. Today, we’re just talking about Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, originally released for the Playstation in 1997. Up until this point, the Castlevania games had stuck fairly closely to their formula by consistently being really good, and really hard, platformers with a flair for supplying terrific atmosphere and music.

Did I mention the English translation and voice acting sucks? It sucks.

Symphony of the Night was radically different from its predecessors though, largely in thanks to designer, Koji Igarashi, who would go on to be in charge of the whole franchise for 12 years and counting. Igarashi had always dreamed of directing a Castlevania game while developing Japanese dating sims for Konami and finally got his chance with SotN. Apparently he thought the Castlevanias of the past were limiting their audience and lasting appeal by being too linear and challenging. His solution was to open up the game world, loosen up the series’ traditionally stiff controls, and adding RPG elements, that made the game conquerable for even the least experienced action gamers.

Structurally, he basically ripped off Super Metroid, which when you think about it is a completely terrific thing to rip off. Everybody loves that game but nobody (at the time) really copied the formula, and even Nintendo waited a gajillion years to bother making another one. The basic idea of Symphony is that your progression through Dracula’s castle was limited by your character’s abilities, and as you became more powerful and retrieved new relics, new areas would become accessible to you. Can’t reach that passageway on the ceiling? Wait until you get the high jump power up, or learn how to transform into a bat. That kind of thing. It works well, and while there is an invisible guiding hand directing you down the “correct” path, you’re totally free to wander into whatever areas you want.

Having just recently finished SotN for the first time since it was still new, I’m happy to announce that it holds up extremely well. In fact, I’m amazed by how much stuff the younger me missed the first time around. Combining the shield rod item with a shield for example, can cause special effects and power ups to occur. That seems obvious now, but it’s things like this that make SotN considerably deeper than your usual platformer. Another thing I discovered that really surprised me was a reference to my favorite author Kurt Vonnegut. There’s a boss enemy in the game (named “Legion” in future games) that is a floating ball of brainless zombies. In SotN the creature is named “Granfaloon” which is a reference to Vonnegut’s novel Cat’s Cradle where he describes a granfaloon as "a proud and meaningless association of human beings." Naturally this intersection of my favorite things gave me a great big nerd boner.

Castlevania is a series that once had a reputation for being notoriously difficult, but with SotN things may have been taken a little too far in the other direction. If you spend time exploring beyond the required paths and looking for secrets (which you absolutely should do), you’ll naturally level up to the point that few areas will offer much of a challenge. The second castle (an inverted version of the first that opens up after you avoid the “bad” ending) is considerably more challenging, but still pretty easy compared to Castlevanias of old. Ultimately though, this lack of challenge didn’t really affect my enjoyment of the game much at all since it’s still such a deep experience.

I wasn’t going to say much about the story at all because despite being a lifelong fan of the series, the story to the Castlevania series is one of those simplistic, yet totally complicated clusterfucks that only seem to happen in Japanese video games. The basic idea is that Dracula comes back to life every hundred years to menace humanity, and uh…this is one of those times I guess. In this one you play as Alucard, son of Dracula (har har) who is totally rebellious and metrosexual and wants to kill his dad and fuck up his house. And I’m serious about the metrosexual thing. Alucard is consistently depicted as a very beautiful lady. SotN is a direct story sequel to the also totally excellent Rondo of Blood, so if you care about your video game vampire continuity, you should play that too I guess. Normal people however, can stick to the basics and not worry about it. If you’re weird or something though, feel free to check out sites like this. Nerd.

Symphony of the Night is one of those “secret” classic games that is well-renowned amongst gamers (dorks) but kind of unknown to more casual enthusiasts. If you’ve missed out somehow, this game is available pretty much everywhere these days. It’s available on PSN and XBLA for just ten bucks, or can be unlocked in the Dracula X Chronicles for PSP. OR you could go to Japan and buy a used copy of the janky Saturn version that never made it to the US. Whichever is most convenient.

(special shout outs to the works of Jeremy Parish and friends for inspiring this ludicrously nerdy column. If you like old nerd stuff their work is required reading. Him and his cohorts can be found at GameSpite and the Retronauts blog.)

More Like 'I Hope They Serve Beer In... Your Mom'! Burn.

2009-08-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

Above is the trailer for I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It releases September 25 across the country.

The film is based off the NY Times Bestselling novel of the same name written by Tucker Max. (Link goes to website. Did I just blow your mind?) It is a collection of short stories about his drunken antics in college and beyond. Tucker, along with friend Nils Parker, adapted the book to a screenplay and sold the script to an independent studio (Darko Entertainment), retaining creative control as well as a director's credit.

Let's go over that again: Tucker Max wrote and produced this film, which is based on his bestselling novel about his life. I couldn't be more jealous of that if I tried.

To promote the film, Tucker started a production blog, where for roughly the last 18 months, he has been chronicling the process of producing the film, from hiring a director and casting roles, down to video interviews with the lowliest gaffer on the set.

And now, with the final print finished and the movie set to release in a little less than two months, Tucker is taking the film on a "Premiere Tour," as he calls it, visiting 32 cities to screen the movie to a limited audience. People who attend the screening get to see the film early, which includes a Q&A session with Tucker and Nils, and a swag bag filled with film merch. All for ten bucks.

Pretty sweet, right? Well guess what else: The first stop is in Portland. And I got tickets.

I'm not gonna lie to you: I'm a little afraid that this is going to suck. On the surface, Tucker's writing describes the kind of douchebag fratboy idiocy that I think most civilized people hate. Plus, the stories come off as severely embellished (Tucker vehemently insists that they're all true, but what else would he say?). But it's told with such a brilliant tone, and so out-and-out funny, that you really can't help but like it. That said, I'm definitely wary of the possibility of, once this is committed to celluloid, that it's just going to come off as a 90-minute Real World episode.

But hey, it sounds like fun, and I've followed it this far. May as well see this ride to its conclusion.

World Famous Jew Recording Christmas Album

2009-08-08T00:43:00.000-07:00

Via Bully!Pulpit

So apparently in an effort to remain completely unpredictable well into the stage of life where most successful musicians are enjoying their victory lap phase, Bob Dylan has decided to record a Christmas album for release later this year.

There have been four songs announced for inclusion so far and they are, “Here Comes Santa Claus,” “Must Be Santa,” “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” and “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Hopefully he won’t get around to covering more modern fare such as Paul McCartney’s holiday themed abortion, “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time,” because I think that might be the one song capable of killing all hope. In a very general sense.

I’m a ridiculous fan of Bob Dylan and will buy this on day one regardless, but are normal people really in the market for an album of Christmas classics translated through Bob Dylan’s husky baritone? Also, isn’t it weird that this guy is Jewish and he’s covering “O Little Town of Bethlehem?” Is he even Jewish anymore? He went through a Christian phase for three albums in the 80’s, but since then he hasn’t been name checking the Jesus much at all, and the rumor has been that he’s back to being all Jewish and stuff. Regardless of his personal faith, I for one am glad that Bob Dylan has put aside the nitpicky specifics of any one particular religion to celebrate the birth of our true savior, Jesus Christ.

id Tech 5 gives me wood

2009-08-07T00:39:00.000-07:00

So a few hours ago Joystiq threw up some screenshots from id software's RAGE which I CAN'T FUCKING STOP LOOKING AT! For those of you that are unfamiliar id Software is the company responsible for the DOOM, Quake, and Wolfenstien franchises which we all know and love.

RAGE is the first title that will use a new game engine called id Tech 5 that was developed in house by John Carmack a founder of id and a fucking hero! I'm just glad after the 5 years since the release of DOOM 3, id has something bright and shiny in the future for us all to look forward to. On that note here are the rest of the Screenshots

Also if you are really interested in the id Tech 5 engine here is a PDF that gives some interesting information about it for those of us that enjoy the occasional nerd read.

Warcraft Movie

2009-08-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

It had to happen folks. A library or novels, a card game, a miniatures game, board game, RP game, the towering giant that is WOW, and in the foreseeable future a blockbuster hit. It seems as if Blizzard Entertainment will stop at nothing short of world domination. And we as consumers, gamers, or just plain nerds... are sort of OK with that (the right thing to do here would rant about how great a world run by Blizzard would be, but lets stick to the topic.)

We've heard for awhile now that a warcraft movie was in the works but many had thought that it became another forgotten project like starcraft ghost, less than a month ago people found out this is NOT the case, as it was announced that Sam Raimi will be directing the Warcraft movie. Hmm... while at first this was a little bit disappointing to me and the conversations between me and Trev were flooded with hilarious images like Mary Jane Pealing off Spiderman's mask in the rain going for that romantic kiss only to reveal a giant yellow pair of orc tusks protruding out of a green slobbery mouth, or a goblin sapper flying around on a jetboard lobbing pumpkins at people.

My initial reservations were due to Spiderman 3 being soooooooo universally terribad, but as i thought more about it i was like OK I'll give him Evil dead/Army Of Darkness even 30 Days Of Night was pretty good. The reality of the situation is, it makes no difference who works on the film. because Blizzard has the money, power, and influence to bend a director or writer over the counter and fuck them into making whatever movie they want, because when it comes to lore and staying true to source material Blizzard really seems like compromise is out of the question. Not to mention the crazy responsibility that will be balancing on Raimi's shoulders if the movie is bad there will be many millions of angry nerds blaming him, MY GOD could u imagine the ANGRY LETTERS!!!!

I have long abandoned my wow addiction and yet I will definitely be looking forward to this.

Josh Homme, Dave Grohl, and John Paul Effing Jones unite to form Voltronesque rock machine called Them Crooked Vultures

2009-08-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

Via Antiquiet

Remember a few months back when members of Hanson, Smashing Pumpkins, and Cheap Trick all teamed up to form Tinted Windows? Remember how they were terrible? Well that pitch black cloud hasn’t prevented other big time artists to take part in a supergroup renaissance of sorts. On one hand we have the commercially successful Van Hagar/ Satriani combination, Chickenfoot, which you probably don’t care about as much as your cool dad does. And on the other, we have the overwhelmingly awesome Dead Weather, which combines members from most of my favorite bands (White Stripes, Raconteurs, The Kills, Queens of the Stone Age). Well apparently there’s a new supergroup of the good variety coming our way in the form of Them Crooked Vultures.

There’s not much information about the band yet but the lineup is Josh Homme from Queens of The Stone Age on guitar, Dave Grohl of Nirvana (and Foo Fighters I guess) on drums, and John Paul Jones from LED ZEPPELIN on bass. That last one will probably be the biggest deal to most people, but honestly the idea of Grohl and Homme working together again is exciting on its own. It’s easy to scoff at Dave Grohl considering the Foo Fighters are just about the most average anything ever, but his involvement here should in no way be glossed over. Not only is the guy a great drummer, but he has an impeccable taste in side projects. His Probot project (where he wrote all the songs and played all the instruments while classic metal singers provided vocals) was excellent, and the dude also provided drums for the first Tenacious D album AND for a Killing Joke album. Not to mention he was an honorary member of QOTSA for awhile during their Songs for the Deaf period. Watch the following video and imagine John Paul Jones playing bass in place of prominent drug enthusiast , Nick Oliveri.

Good, right? It will probably sound nothing like that, but regardless, I think there’s plenty of reason to be pretty optimistic here. Now we can only hope that Trent Reznor’s collaboration with Bono and Ghostface Killa works out.

Craig Ferguson Figured It Out

2009-08-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

Via Goldenfiddle

Listen, I'm kind of proud of the fact that I've never watched even a second of the Craig Ferguson Show (or whatever the hell it's called) outside of a couple YouTube clips, but I may start, because this rant might as well be my life manifesto. Kids are fucking stupid and we should NOT reward them for being such.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra Trailer Review

2009-08-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

Keeping with the movie theme, Yahoo! tells us that Paramount isn't screening G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA for critics. According to the PR machine:

"`G.I. Joe' is a big, fun, summer event movie — one that we've seen audiences enjoy everywhere from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to Phoenix, Ariz.," said Rob Moore, vice chairman of Paramount Pictures. "After the chasm we experienced with `Transformers 2' between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote `G.I. Joe.' We want audiences to define this film."

Translated into English, this reads: "The movie's terrible, we know it's terrible, and we don't want to scare away any people that weren't swayed by the awful trailer from seeing the thing. We just want to collect our huge opening weekend and go in peace."

Hell no.

Whatever, if they won't let critics screen the movie and review it before the release, I can at least take the one thing they have given us -- the trailer -- and review that. So here we go, second-by-second.

0:11 - Alright, we're off to a roaring start as we start with an establishing shot of a FUCKING UNDERWATER CITY. Is this Atlantis? Is this the Little Mermaid?? Is Ariel going to come out and invite Cobra Commander to let her be part of his world?

0:14 - Playing the role of Cobra Commander will be... Conan-era, barely-able-to-speak-English Arnold Schwarzenegger!! --Wait, it's just some dork in a suit? Listen to me very carefully, Paramount. There are very few hard, fast rules in the world of G.I. Joe, but here is one of them: COBRA FUCKING COMMANDER NEVER TAKES HIS HELMET OFF. He doesn't attend board meetings or financial planning sessions, he doesn't go to "working lunches," and he doesn't shop at the GODDAMN MEN'S WEARHOUSE. Fuck.

0:17 - You know this conflict is international because there's CAMELS, motherfucker.

0:20 - So what, the Baroness just stands behind him all the time? Like, not even doing anything? Does she not have a job besides being hot and oiling up her impractical leather outfit?

0:28 - Alright, nukes! Maybe these guys aren't fucking around after all! I mean, a psychopathic megalomaniac with nuclear capabilities is WAY more intimidating than some guy with a lisp and a machine that lets him control the weather.

0:35 - Maybe NOW we'll get to see some actual carn-- wait. What's this green crap? Acid? Bugs? Okay, so it knocked down the Eiffel Tower... that's kind of cool, I guess. I mean, it IS France, and the conservative media tells me I'm not supposed to like them.

0:53 - "We have never faced a threat like this." What, you mean someone who attacked France? Um, I think you might have.

And hang on! You mean to tell me that a single attack on a French tourist attraction brought out the best crack spy group the U.S. military has to offer?? Cobra wounded France's booming tourism industry (as if their refusal to bathe regularly didn't do that already), and we send in chicks in spandex and ninjas?? This premise strikes me as slightly ridiculous.

0:55 - Actually, I think that's strikes one, two, and three right there.

1:01 - "They are the best operatives in the world." Oh, really? You know every operative in the world, and all the best ones are on your team?

1:02 - Wait, he's scarred up, he's talking off his sunglasses, AND HE'S RIDING A MOTORCYCLE?? Can anyone say "hearthrob??"

1:03 - "When all else fails... we don't." I'm sorry, who exactly is Dennis Quaid talking to right now? To whom would he actually need to give this monologue establishing his team's supposed badassery?

1:06 - Awesome.

1:08 - "I want in." I had no idea that's the way one gets to join a super-secret spy group! I figured there was tons of paperwork, interviews, and a rigorous battery of physical tests required to narrow down a field of candidates, not just some shlub muttering generic action movie lines!

1:10 - Film exec 1, last summer: "Johnson! Have you seen that IRON MAN movie yet?"

Film exec 2: "Yeah, it was awesome!"

Film exec 1: "Calm down. Did you see how much money it made? We need him in our movie!"

Film exec 2: "Um... you can't just put Iron Man into G.I. Joe."

Film exec 1: "What? Why the hell not??"

Film exec 2: "It just doesn't work that way."

Film exec 1: "Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ! Do I have to do everything around here? I don't fucking know, just make him all silver or something."

1:16 - Stephen Sommers: "Alright, Marlon... act!"

/wiggles fingers

1:18 - Film exec 2: "Okay, but we can't just put a silver Iron Man into the movie and call it good. He has to be different somehow."

Film exec 1: "What, you mean I gotta do another thing?"

Film exec 2: "Afraid so, sir."

Film exec 1: "Alright, alright. Hey, what's that thing the kids are all blathering about these days? With the running on walls and such? Parcheesi?"

Film exec 2: "What? You mean... parkour?"

Film exec 1: "Yeah! Mix some of that in there too!"

1:25 - "Um, General, it's 3:00 in the morning. We're the only people in this room right now."

"Oh, I know. I'm just practicing. For later."

1:30 - Gratuitous cleavage shot -- best part of the thing so far.

1:35 - Never mind.

1:46 - Again, who the hell is she talking to? She's telling someone in the same room to eject?

1:48 - Oh sweet, Top Gun-style fighter jet combat! Fuck yeah-- wait, the bugs again? Seriously??

1:49 - Am I the only one that finds it completely ridiculous that you don't have to wear a face mask in this plane unless you're ejecting? What if you're looking to the side or picking your nose when that mask comes down? Does it wait its turn, or does it just smoosh your face in-- oh, crap, stopped caring.

1:54 - Oh snap, bro, that's so EXTREME to the MAX! Hope he chugged a Red Bull before that shit, dogg, that is off the HOOK!

2:01 - Hey Baroness, are we at the end, or...?

Oh, okay.

2:06 - Film exec 1: "You see that, Johnson? Our parkour-ing Iron Men were a huge hit with the focus groups! It's like Iron Man meets Blade Runner meets the opening scene from Casino Royale meets that part in Transformers where Megan Fox drove a car -- and women can't even legally drive in this country!"

Film exec 2: "...Sir, I can't even decide where to begin with that sentence."

Film exec 1: "Quiet, fairy. Now, just make sure that scene is shown in EVERY PIECE OF PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL for this piece of shit."

Film exec 2: "You want that scene shown in every promo? You don't think the audience will get tired of seeing that same five-second clip over and over--"

Film exec 1: "Who makes the decisions around here?! Now, get out of here and tell that young Vietnamese boy he can come in here. And the lock the door after he does."

No Nudity In Twilight Sequel!

2009-08-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

Jumping right in with the important stuff. This morning IMDB posted an article saying that the director of the upcoming Twilight movie denied rumors of "teh uber hawt newd scenes." that were allegedly started by Jamie Campbell-Bower who suggested several characters get naked in the movie, apparently this is not the case. I can almost hear the fan girls crying out in unison as their dreams are crushed under the iron boot of Chris Weitz to such an extent that I am envious. I guess the only way we'll get to see Michael Sheen and Jamie Campbell Bower in a nude scene together is in our minds as we lay asleep at night and dream of what could have been.